Letting go

It’s been 2 months since I’ve been home from my trip and my days are still hot and cold. Sometimes I forget about the life I used to live. I’m so immersed in my old routines- waking up in my house, going to work, seeing my family and friends, coming home. Sometimes it’ll hit me randomly throughout the day when I least expect it, and I’ll have to stop and process it all. I’ll get a flash of my friends and I on the beach in Australia and get sad, I’ll think about walking down the streets in Bali, the days I spent by myself in Japan wandering around the city. I’ll think, I can’t believe I did that, I can’t believe that was my life. I was crazy, but I’m so glad that I was.

My days now have been split into thirds. 1/3 is spent searching for and applying to jobs, another third is spent going to work as a waitress and bartender, and the last third is spent mostly on my computer, looking up flights, reading blogs on new destinations, and looking at photos of places I might want to go next.

My life is a constant battle of- what should I do next? Where am I meant to be? What am I meant to do? Will I ever find permanent happiness? Will this be my life forever- working and saving to take off again?

And then I think about making the wrong decision. What if staying home is a mistake? “You’re being a hypocrite, Danielle. How could you preach a life of travel and no constraints, but sit there applying for permanent jobs.” The truth is, I’m scared.

I know I have the potential to do great things, and I’m scared if I don’t jump now- it’ll be too late. I’m going with fate- if I find something permanent that I am absolutely thrilled about, I’m going to stay. If I don’t, I’ll leave.

I’m scared about being judged. Americans in particular place a great deal of importance on having a career, being independent, having lots of nice things, and making money. We look down on others who live their lives differently. I’m scared of turning 25 and still be waiting tables and bartending. How crazy and dumb is that? Why do I think this way? In countries in Europe and Australia it’s not frowned upon, it’s completely normal to not even go to college and to spend your 20’s traveling.

I think about first impressions. What will people who don’t know me and my accomplishments think. We all do it, we all judge. I’m scared of the stranger who sees me as a bartender at 25, judging me and thinking, she has no goals, no objectives- when really I have a million.

I wanted to talk about this because I think a lot of people feel the same way as me. You have things that you want to do, or say, but you’re scared of being judged- scared of what people will think. I’m learning to let go of those feelings. I post these blogs on my personal Facebook because I want everyone to see and read them, – I want people to know that I’m not scared anymore.

My 25th birthday is in a week, and my wish for myself as I turn a quarter century is to let go. Let go of the things that don’t serve me anymore or have purpose in my life, and let in all of the good things. To stay open to new opportunities and to trust my gut and my heart to lead me in the right direction.