I know, I haven’t posted in a while, so I felt like maybe my next post should explain why. Before I left for my trip I had an idea in my head that I wanted to blog twice a week about my adventures to keep my family and friends updated on my life. I started off okay, blogging once a week. However, between the combination of shitty Internet, lack of a desktop computer, and the utter disinterest in reciting my daily activities, I fell off of blogging. I kept thinking, fuck- I haven’t blogged in a while, I really need to, even though I don’t want to. I think that once I got here my priorities changed a bit. I’ve noticed that I’ve been focusing more on the future instead of my past. I’ve constantly been looking forward instead of analyzing my past, which is new for me. I know this is dumb but it’s just an example of what I’m talking about. I have begun to hate the app, timehop, and I used to love it!! Stupid example, I know… but it’s little things like that and not having the urge to blog and recite my days that have made me notice the change.
I’ve learned that when you’re traveling alone, it can be really hard to relax. I know that sounds backwards and might not make sense… But when you’re traveling alone, you’re literally NEVER alone, unless you’re in transit to your next destination. The amount of people that I have met so far has been overwhelming and I couldn’t be more grateful for it, but I find myself still wishing I was alone. When you stay in dorms and you’re constantly surrounded by people, you almost forget where you are and why you’re doing what you’re doing. The other day it rained, just like most days I’ve had in Thailand, so I decided to take some “me” time and just find a place to sit and write and not speak to anyone. I really really needed that.
I’ve also learned that a common theme on this trip has been me pushing myself out of my comfort zone. The past 2 months of my life have been out of my comfort zone. Most days I’m proud of it, but the other day I had a moment of weakness and it was actually refreshing. I’ve noticed that I constantly think that I’m not doing enough, not being brave enough or daring or crazy, I sometimes put too much pressure on myself to do things I’m not comfortable with. An example of this is when I decided to get my open water certification for scuba diving. First off, me and water do not mix well, which is ironic because I am a pisces. I love to swim, I love pools, I love the ocean, I love water… BUT the minute I go too far out, or too deep, or I can’t see what’s under me, I bug.
With that being said, I signed up to scuba dive and completed the first dive of 3 meters, (9 feet), while simultaneously doing the training. I was nervous and uncomfortable. Yes, I was better from the time I stepped into the water, to the time I got out, but in no way shape or form was I ready for a 12 meter (36 foot) dive the next day, and an 18 meter (60 foot) dive the day after that. So what did I do? I dropped out. Yup- I didn’t show up… And the entire dive school knew about it. Even the owner who I had met the previous day said he was sad and disappointed when he found out I dropped out. It sucked to hear that, and it sucked even more to have my entire dive group try to convince me to stay. But for whatever reason it felt kind of good to say no. I really think I got some sort of a high from having the ability to make my own decision; I think independence has become my high.
I know this is a random post, but it was the first time in a long time that I had a desire to share something with everyone. To sum this all up, I’ve learned to not lose sight of why I’m here, to make sure to always make time for myself when I feel like I need it, and to trust my instincts. It’s OK to not always be the crazy adventurous one of the group. If it’s not going to make me happy in the end, it serves no purpose.